Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
This is the high leading the old right now
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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