One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
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