those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
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If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
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My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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