I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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