Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
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I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
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