So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
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Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
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There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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