I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
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Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
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He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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