Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
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hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
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why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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