Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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