Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
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I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
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he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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