If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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