I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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