I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
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Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
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I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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