I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
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I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
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I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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