the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
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At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
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HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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