at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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