i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
sarcasm needs its own font
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
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