haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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