He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
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You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
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That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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