you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
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I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
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Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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