mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
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he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
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she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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