A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
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So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
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Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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