A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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