Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
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I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
So much rum. So many feels.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
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