i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
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We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
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struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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