y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
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Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
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Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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