Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize