I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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