sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
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The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
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After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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