i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
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