I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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