it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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