You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
not ubering you a puppy
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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