I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
