take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
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