Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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