Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize