Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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