theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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