Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
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I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
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I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
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