My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
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Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
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I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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