I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
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