I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
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