Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize