Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
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