make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
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I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
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I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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