The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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