I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
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Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
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I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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