Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize