1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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